He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
