Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
