I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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