I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
