The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
