So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
