just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
