One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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