Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
