Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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