Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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