is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
