I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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