Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
