i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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