Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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