Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
