I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
