Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
