Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
