you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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