im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
