My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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