Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize