can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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