OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
