mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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