i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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