Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
