Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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