When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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