Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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