i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
