Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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