her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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