Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
