I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
