Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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