if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
