jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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