matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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