Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
