I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
