She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
