someone threw a dead crab at me
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
