M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
