Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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