you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
