I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
