i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
