genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
