I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
