Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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