I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize