Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize