Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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