are you so shy because you have an std?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
