I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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