ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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