Im at strip club and am horny
Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You need a sexual gate keeper
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
