I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
